Don’t Just Go Through It, Grow Through It

An attitude of gratitude can make a profound difference in our day-to-day lives. Yet, as we all come to know, not every day is filled with good things. We each endure difficult passages: illnesses, money trouble, work woes, relationship issues, the loss of a loved one, and countless others. These are the vicissitudes of life. However, it is the attitude you bring to each situation that makes all the difference. Share what you learned from others during these life lessons and offer help to a fellow traveler who is walking a hard path.

Make It Count

My boyfriend is first-generation American Chinese, an “ABC”. His family was unable to vote or even own property until the Civil Rights Act was passed in the sixties. He tells his children to “make it count” and passionately follows local, national and international events and politics. Get educated about the governance of your own neighborhood in addition to the national political landscape. Exercise your right to vote. Voting is a sacred right that is one of the most important parts of our political system. Be informed about what is going on in your country, know what ideas you support and are against, and vote on each Election Day to speak for the public-you will be heard.

A Plate of Cookies Can Change a Life

You know how certain memories sometimes remain crystal clear as though they are trapped in the amber of your consciousness?. While I don’t know nearly enough about how the brain works, I suspect these shards of memory that stay with us are some of the most important events of our lives to be pondered upon for all that they contain. They might be teachable moments for us to draw upon. While the neuroscience aspects allude me, I do know this memory is a life lesson:

My besties and I like to have a cup of tea now and again, the fancy kind with tea cakes, cupcakes, and cookies that are almost too beautiful to eat. During my decade in the Lower Haight, my dear friends and I got together once a month, taking turns at each other’s houses. I was excited to be hosting one lovely spring day and planned everything to the tee-lemon bars with lime icing, mini cupcakes with icing that looked like lace, and my favorite black and white cookies, chocolate on one side, vanilla on the other. I even had brightly colored paper napkins with sassy wild women quotes on them. 

I was working in Berkeley and living in San Francisco, which meant that just getting across the Bay Bridge was going to be an adventure. On this day, it was going to be a miracle. I was terrified my friends would be standing at the front door, stamping their nicely shod feet, waiting for me as I navigated the traffic. I surrendered to it, knowing my anxiety would not change a thing. Plus, I had my secret weapon-the nicest array of confections ever. How could they be mad at me when they were being served stunningly beautiful cookies on napkins that reminded them they are fabulous?

Finally, my lane of traffic oozed off the Fremont exit into downtown San Francisco. I was going to bust one of my special moves and drive down a one-way arterial to avoid the clogged streets. To do that, I had to drive past the Transbay Terminal, one of the most desolate and derelict spots in all the greater bay Area. I was chugging along and feeling good about my bag of goodies, when I was stopped again by a Muni bus that appeared to be lumbering along at maybe three miles per hour. But I still had my special treats and my confidence remained intact. 

I looked to my left and a mother and her toddler were standing on the raised median about two feet away from my car. She looked to be not much older than a teenager herself, and had a big bruise on her cheek and a frightened look. Her little boy was hugging her knee, trying to stay warm in the arctic wind that blasts San Francisco as soon as the sun sets. I smiled at them and she smiled back, and I saw then that she was missing at least one tooth. In this moment, I just knew she had run away from an abusive home and was getting herself and her son to safety. I also knew in that moment that they needed money. I scrambled around in my messy purse but could only find a five-dollar bill, as I had spent all my cash on the sweets. I grabbed the pretty paper bag filled with boxes of delicacies and shoved it into her hands along with the wadded up bill. The look on her face was what will stay with me a lifetime. She was surprised, and the stress drained out of her face and I could see how pretty she was. The bus shot forward and I had to drive away but I managed to shout back at her, “These are the best cookies in the world, so everything is going to be okay!” I looked in the rearview mirror and saw her bend down. She opened a box and lovingly fed her little boy one of my treasured black and whites. They were laughing and her son was even dancing around. My heart lifted as I drove away. I was especially pleased that this young woman was going to be reminded about her fabulousness by sassy paper napkins. 

My girlfriends and I microwaved popcorn that night but nobody minded. We also ended up having a much deeper and richer discussion about real things, no shop or shopping talk, no boyfriend problems. We talked about how lucky we were and ways we could give back to the world. 

It is funny how I knew those cookies were going to save the night. I guess I just didn’t know whose.

Don’t Just Go Through It, Grow Through It

An attitude of gratitude can make a profound difference in our day-to-day lives. Yet, as we all come to know, not every day is filled with good things. We each endure difficult passages: illnesses, money trouble, work woes, relationship issues, the loss of a loved one, and countless others. These are the vicissitudes of life. However, it is the attitude you bring to each situation that makes all the difference. Share what you learned from others during these life lessons and offer help to a fellow traveler who is walking a hard path.

Re-Gifting 101

PHOTO: MARTIN TOGNOLA

Now that you and your family have celebrated, eaten to your heart’s content, and opened presents, ask if everyone likes their gifts and if they will use them. If there is something that doesn’t fit or isn’t useful, donate it. I remember when people were shocked that FLOTUS Nancy Reagan re-gifted but I think was just ahead of the curve!

If your heart and wallet have different ideas about making monetary donations, it is time to summon your inner re-gifter. An unwanted gift could be a welcome donation to a charitable organization. For help selecting a charitable organization, visit the Better Business Bureau’s Wise Giving Alliance at give.org. You can also contact the government office responsible for registering charities in your state. A little research upfront will make sure your donation is put to good use. If the process of selecting a charity seems daunting, remember that you benefit from giving as well.

Involving your children in the selection of a charity teaches valuable lessons. You have the opportunity to make a difference. Some charitable gifts are tax-deductible if made to a qualified organization. But be sure your organization meets IRS guidelines, as there may be different tax breaks when you donate certain assets to charity.

A Plate of Cookies Can Change a Life

You know how certain memories sometimes remain crystal clear as though they are trapped in the amber of your consciousness?. While I don’t know nearly enough about how the brain works, I suspect these shards of memory that stay with us are some of the most important events of our lives to be pondered upon for all that they contain. They might be teachable moments for us to draw upon. While the neuroscience aspects allude me, I do know this memory is a life lesson:

My besties and I like to have a cup of tea now and again, the fancy kind with tea cakes, cupcakes, and cookies that are almost too beautiful to eat. During my decade in the Lower Haight, my dear friends and I got together once a month, taking turns at each other’s houses. I was excited to be hosting one lovely spring day and planned everything to the tee-lemon bars with lime icing, mini cupcakes with icing that looked like lace, and my favorite black and white cookies, chocolate on one side, vanilla on the other. I even had brightly colored paper napkins with sassy wild women quotes on them. 

I was working in Berkeley and living in San Francisco, which meant that just getting across the Bay Bridge was going to be an adventure. On this day, it was going to be a miracle. I was terrified my friends would be standing at the front door, stamping their nicely shod feet, waiting for me as I navigated the traffic. I surrendered to it, knowing my anxiety would not change a thing. Plus, I had my secret weapon-the nicest array of confections ever. How could they be mad at me when they were being served stunningly beautiful cookies on napkins that reminded them they are fabulous?

Finally, my lane of traffic oozed off the Fremont exit into downtown San Francisco. I was going to bust one of my special moves and drive down a one-way arterial to avoid the clogged streets. To do that, I had to drive past the Transbay Terminal, one of the most desolate and derelict spots in all the greater bay Area. I was chugging along and feeling good about my bag of goodies, when I was stopped again by a Muni bus that appeared to be lumbering along at maybe three miles per hour. But I still had my special treats and my confidence remained intact. 

I looked to my left and a mother and her toddler were standing on the raised median about two feet away from my car. She looked to be not much older than a teenager herself, and had a big bruise on her cheek and a frightened look. Her little boy was hugging her knee, trying to stay warm in the arctic wind that blasts San Francisco as soon as the sun sets. I smiled at them and she smiled back, and I saw then that she was missing at least one tooth. In this moment, I just knew she had run away from an abusive home and was getting herself and her son to safety. I also knew in that moment that they needed money. I scrambled around in my messy purse but could only find a five-dollar bill, as I had spent all my cash on the sweets. I grabbed the pretty paper bag filled with boxes of delicacies and shoved it into her hands along with the wadded up bill. The look on her face was what will stay with me a lifetime. She was surprised, and the stress drained out of her face and I could see how pretty she was. The bus shot forward and I had to drive away but I managed to shout back at her, “These are the best cookies in the world, so everything is going to be okay!” I looked in the rearview mirror and saw her bend down. She opened a box and lovingly fed her little boy one of my treasured black and whites. They were laughing and her son was even dancing around. My heart lifted as I drove away. I was especially pleased that this young woman was going to be reminded about her fabulousness by sassy paper napkins. 

My girlfriends and I microwaved popcorn that night but nobody minded. We also ended up having a much deeper and richer discussion about real things, no shop or shopping talk, no boyfriend problems. We talked about how lucky we were and ways we could give back to the world. 

It is funny how I knew those cookies were going to save the night. I guess I just didn’t knowwhose.

National Forgiveness Day

If you have borne a grudge for someone, forgive them or let it go. You don’t need that negative energy in your life. Remember that forgiveness is not absolution; what happened in the past still happened, but forgiveness can relieve yourself of the burden that has been weighing you down. Now you can heal. Our society is also in need of lessons in forgiveness and a dramatic reminder of this can be found in the film and foundation behind unlikelyfriendsforgive.com. They promote the real power of atonement and the art of forgiving, even after brutal acts of violence.

Quit Feeling Sorry for Yourself

What follows is pretty much the best example of this I have ever heard (and deepest thanks to Polly Campbell for this astounding testament to the human spirit).

When Rhonda Sciortino was six months old, her mother left her at a neighbors house and never returned. She was taken in by her grandfather, a mentally ill, depressed man who parented her through abuse and neglect, and her grandmother, an alcoholic who ultimately drank herself to death. Life was filled with hunger, struggle, and pain. “I lived in a very dark place,” Rhonda said. “Literally the house was dark, there were often no lights because the electric bill hadn’t been paid. It was a filthy, oppressive place.”

When she was about six years old, Rhonda was temporarily placed with a foster family who introduced her to the lighter side of life. “They lived in a clean place. There was plenty of food, they didn’t fight with each other-I remember watching them interact with one another as though they really enjoyed being together,” Rhonda, who is now 50, said. One day the man in the foster home encouraged her to search for the meaning of her own life. “Young lady,” he said, “you better quit feeling sorry for yourself. You were put here for a reason, and you better be about finding out what it is.” The family also took her to a Christian church, where Rhonda said, “meeting Jesus was a turning point.”

Although she was ultimately placed back into the abusive home environment, Rhonda never forgot those people, their influence, or the role of Jesus Christ in her life. She believed that there was something more for her, something better.. She discovered just what that was, when as an insurance professional, she received a thank-you note from the CEO of a children’s home. She had helped the facility keep operating by saving it thousands of dollars in insurance premiums. For Rhonda, that thank-you note was infused with meaning. She quit her job, started her own insurance agency, founded solely to help the people and organizations that help children. Today, she continues that work in her dream job as the National Child Welfare Specialist for Markel Insurance Company.

She lives with her husband of more than 20 years in a light-filled home overlooking California’s Pacific Coast and she is a loving mother and grandmother.

Rhonda is no longer daunted by her darkness-filled childhood, and no longer angry. “I’ve forgiven them for my abuse and neglect,” Rhonda said. “I value all my life experiences, including the bad, because I gained an understanding and empathy that could not be acquired any other way.”

The resourcefulness, self-reliance, and persistence that she developed to survive childhood have also helped her succeed in business and with her life’s purpose.

Step Up

    Challenge yourself. Life is a process and throughout your years on this planet, get to know yourself better at every stage. Surprise yourself. If you go through life without tring something new, you are not doing yourself justice. Discover your true potential and maybe more than just your life will improve.

Add a Half Hour to Your Day

    One of the most brilliantly simple pieces of advice I ever heard was from Peter Shankman at a publishing conference. He said it had transformed his life and it is simply this: get up a half hour earlier and use that to reach out to people. He said it can be as easy as wishing a happy birthday to your Facebook contacts, one meaningful phone call first thing in the morning, or writing a personal note to someone you have been meaning to be in contact with. I remember listening to him and thinking I really didn’t want to get up any earlier. My days were long enough (see July 14 on letting go-clearly I needed to do some right then!) and that did not sound appealing. But his sincerity and enthusiasm somehow broke through my “baditude” and I pondered the idea as I walked back to my car and drove across the Bay Bridge back to my office. I decided to try it and I can tell you, he is right.

    The extra half hour of every morning has been one of the best investments I have ever made, and so much so that I added an hour. It completely changed my life for the better. Try it!

Learn the Art of Letting Go

    After all, we are all human and we have a little baggage (or a lot)! Sometimes I hold in my feelings until they are like a dam about to overflow. Luckily for me, I have had the opportunity to learn from great authors like Sue Patton Thoele, Melody Beattie, and Mark Nepo that we just have to move on toward the positive. Release any repressed anger and pain that you have been keeping inside. Allow yourself to let go of the past so that you can proceed to live in the present without worry, fear, or resentment. Remember that this isn’t a one-time event, but a process. Letting go is an act of kindness for yourself. Once you can accept that life isn’t always something you can predict or control, yours will eventually become more positive and joyous.

Rewire Your Brain to be More Positive

    Neuropsychiatrist David Amen,MD, posits that thoughts carry physical properties and that the properties of negative thoughts can be detrimental to leading a healthy, happy life. To overturn these negative effects, he prescribes thinking more positively so you can change the way your brain works and in turn change your life for the better.

Yes, You Can

    Remove the word can’t from your vocabulary and think about what is actually holding you back-fear, reluctance, pride? Once you stop talking yourself out of taking a risk or making a difficult decision, life will open up for you and so will your mind. Do something nice and helpful without being asked. Take out the trash, clean the house, and visit a relative. Once you make a habit of these tasks, you won’t need reminding since you will want to do them as you go about your usual day.

Let’s Make it a Complaint-Free World

    Go one day without complaining. Even better, go a week. If this is hard for you to accomplish, it’s time to make some changes in your life. Think positively, live in the present, and appreciate where you are and who you are. Today is a gift, so accept and embrace it. 

    Author Mark Bowen wrote a fantastic book on this very topic that I turn to when I need a reminder, as we all do now and again. My copy came with a bracelet, a simple way to monitor how often you complain that helps you track your progress toward becoming “complaint-free”. Put on the bracelet and every time you complain, switch it to the other wrist. The goal is to go 21 consecutive days without switching the bracelet. It is harder than you might think and I was a bit shocked at what a complainer I turned out to be. It was a really good exercise for me- I highly recommend it. I benefited enormously and I suspect those around me did, too!

Be a Good Citizen

    Rich Chin’s family lived in New York City, pretty far away from any large expanse of wilderness, but that didn’t get in his way. Rich shares his experiences that first made him see how he could be a good in the world: 

    The Outward Bound Youth at Risk Program really helped many troubled teens get back on the “good citizen” road. I was one of those Outward Bound instructors that volunteered to teach in this life-changing experiment for inner city kids in the late seventies and eighties. It changed my life as much as it did those kids. I saw firsthand that if so-called “bad kids” were given a chance to learn how to respect others as well as themselves, they could contribute very positively and be part of our bright future. 

    Kurt Hahn founded Outward Bound (Outward Bound.org) on this assumption: “In genuine service to the benefit of others, one best expresses on a day-to-day basis his reverence for life itself.”

Helping Those Who Want to Help Themselves

    We all remember the Biblical parable about teaching a man to fish so he can provide for himself and his family. Two thousand years later, we can do exactly this. My dad taught me how to fish in a pond back home on the farm in West Virginia. Even as a seven-year-old, I noticed that we not only got a couple of day’s worth of yummy trout for our efforts but my papa, a former Marine with many battle scars, seemed to relax after an afternoon at the pond. You can gift a $49 fishing kit in a loved one’s name or set up a recurring monthly donation at Action Against Hunger ( ActionAgainstHunger.org), which feeds over 7 million people each year. Go fish!

We All Have a Story

    My dad loved to tell stories of being in World War II and he did have many dramatic tales of saving lives. He even delivered a Japanese POW’s letter to his parents in Tokyo, a a major act of kindness that involved a great deal of risk. I really wish I had recorded them, but I still carry dad’s stories and share them in his honor. Our elders, in particular, have much to share and life lessons we could all learn from. The Library of Congress is gathering these by sending out volunteers to video record in the Veteran’s History Project (loc.gov.vets). To me, one of the most special aspects of this oral history project is that it not only includes the Greatest Generation, but also features young people coming back from Iraq and Afghanistan, whose stories are equally precious. I think we are learning that every generation has true greatness.

Foster a Four-Legger

    If you are a parent of young children, you probably hear a steady chorus of requests for a dog. You can find out if dog ownership is right for your family by checking out guidedogs.com and applying to raise a puppy for the blind. What a wonderful way to experiment and do good! This is an excellent demonstration of responsible behavior that will doubtless leave a lasting imprint upon your children.

Do YOU

    This is your life! Only you can truly control your choices. Choosing happiness is the best way to achieve being good to yourself as well as the world. Here are some suggestions for how you can ensure simple joy in your life:

*Be the best you can be by your own standards

*Surround yourself with people who inspire you and make you feel good

*Focus on what you have, not what you lack

*Optimism trumps pessimism every time!

*Smile often and genuinely

*Be honest, to yourself and others

*Help others

*Embrace your past, live in the present, and look forward for what is yet to come

Develop More Patience

    I love the old-fashioned ideas of virtues, such as kindness and generosity, a lot. I am determined to develop my patience muscle so it gets stronger all the time. Here is a big one for me: to learn to have patience with difficult people. (And realize I may be one myself and not know it!) This is not only a good deed for the person you are exhibiting patience towards, but it is also a good deed for yourself. Imagine that, a good deed for yourself! 

    For example, when someone pushes your buttons by doing something or saying something rude, you can choose to act with patience and understanding instead of anger. This will benefit you by keeping your blood pressure and stress levels low-which we know are two health issues that many people are suffering from today. My wise woman friend BJ Gallagher ays, “Difficult people are the ones we learn the most from.”