Commit: Be Willing to Go Out of Your Comfort Zone for a True Friend

Just how far would you go for a friend?

One of best friends in the world is named Lily. She is also the most brilliant person I know (and I know a lot of very smart and special people). Her brain works like no one else’s. When we first met I noticed her (how could I not?) because she was dancing alone in the student union of our college wearing a white lab-coat to which she’d attached letters spelling out schizoleptic. I introduced myself to her and asked what the lab-coat letters meant. “My dad is a paranoid schizophrenic, and my mom is a grand mal epileptic, so I figure I’m a schizoleptic.” See what I mean about her original thinking? That was enough for me to become best friends with her for life. A couple years after I moved from West Virginia to San Francisco she followed, and we had many wild adventures together.

The light behind the darkness

            I knew that Lily had had a rough childhood, with her dad institutionalized and her mother working three jobs to support the family. But I did not know about the pain and guilt that had scarred Lil when she had visited her father in the institution, which sounded like a medieval nightmare. 

Sometimes Lil would “go dark.” On the rare occasions when she did, the pain and fear of it all came spilling out.

            One episode in particular haunted her. It had happened when she, as the oldest daughter, was assigned to visit her father in the institution because the younger children could not handle it. The male patients at the institution had to leave their rooms during the day and wait in the hall of the dank, jail-like ward. They either wandered around like zombies on Thorazine, or they lay down on the cold, hard floor, trying desperately to sleep. When Lil visited, she said she had to “step over the heads” of the men. “Other people’s fathers, too,” she added.

            After a really bad breakup of a long-term relationship, Lil started talking more about these visits, so much so that I began referring to them as “head-stepping episodes.” She would wail and cry and scream about it while I searched desperately for the right words to say. Suddenly it came to me that role-playing might help. So I lay down on the floor, and we reenacted what had taken place so many years before that had cut Lil to the quick. As I lay there and Lil stepped over my head, saying what she used to say to her dad, somehow, I knew exactly what her dad would have wanted to say to her if he had not been medicated to within an inch of his life.

            I said the words for him. “I love you so much. You are my brave daughter and I am so proud that you come here to see me. Lots of the other families are too scared to come, but not you. Even though I am in here, I am okay. I had lots of good years with your mom and you when you were little. I will never stop loving you. You are so special to me and my gift to the world.”

            Lil’s shoulders shook as she cried, walking slowly over my imaginary ward mates and me. That was the last head-stepping episode. Lil

has gone on to become a remarkable success, a hugely talented guitarist and a beloved and excellent teacher. And I learned about what a profound difference we can make when we reach for another with the eternal power of compassion, deep friendship, and love.

Get. Very. Simple.

 A few years ago, I  had the immense pleasure of attending a lecture by Huston Smith, the preeminent scholar of the world’s religions.  Smith first came to the attention of the world when he brought a young Tibetan Buddhist Monk – His Holiness, the Dalai Lama –to America for the first  time. Smith spoke about the continuing impact of religion on our world, most notably the strife in the Middle East over religious differences. He was at his most joyous when he spoke about his own spiritual practices, which he described to us. Smith said, upon rising each day, he did Hatha yoga for some minutes, followed by reading a few pages of a sacred text, after which he meditated or prayed for at least five minutes. He would finish his morning ritual by doing a bit of yard work and some composting. As gardening and composting enthusiast, I was engrossed. Smith extolled the virtues of this service to the planet, which results in rich, dark soil, and a beautiful garden he greatly enjoys.

The entire audience smiled as they listened to this great and humble man describe the spiritual practices with which he began each day. These were Huston Smith’s personal morning rituals and I felt more at peace just listening to him describe his simple steps to serenity. I love the irony that this premiere academic, who has such as deep understanding of all the religions rituals throughout history, had created such an uncomplicated approach for himself. I left the talk inspired to worry less and enjoy more. I saw the deep wisdom of simplicity. Huston Smith rarely appears in public but I never miss a chance to listen to him speak on any subject. I recently saw him again at San Francisco’s esteemed CIIS and heard the one detail he had left out of the previous discussion of morning practices, which I recognized as a  brilliant happiness habit.  He was introduced that night by a dear old friend, who added this delightful detail he knew from their time as college roommates: Upon waking, Huston sits up ramrod straight in his bed, claps his hands together and says very loudly, ”It’s going to be a GREAT DAY.”

What simple activities can you perform to add joy to your life?

Are there any “downer duties” you can delete from your life?

Do you feel a longing for simpler times in your life?

What can you do about it?

Is there a morning “life affirmation” you can speak upon waking?

Wishing you sweet serenity,

Brenda

Ask for help (and give help when asked)

 Happiness, as the old adage goes, is an inside job.

 The “inner work” of happiness is that of thinking about how you live your life and how your thinking is foundational. We all know that  where we were born, to whom we were born, and the circumstances greatly influence who we are at the beginning of our lives but this is not the whole story. By applying oneself at school, at work, in LIFE. doors can open in any circumstance. Who you are is who you THINK you are. If you believe you are a person with potential, your potential will unfold. Many of us receive what I call “negative programming” when we are young and impressionable, but this can’t become the determining factor. Erase those old tapes and write your own program! Easier said than done, I know, but self-belief is the key. If it is writing affirmations and putting them on the fridge at home, then do it. If it is working with a life coach, try it. Perhaps an analytical approach or process mapping your life and your goals will work best.. Maybe for you, it would entail a retreat at Esalen learning yoga and deepest meditation.

 Or it could be simple, doable steps like getting up earlier in the day and trying one new thing a day. If, like many of us, the least expensive option is best, start a “success circle” like my friend Duncan did. Duncan is a brilliant filmmaker, writer, and musician but grew up in impoverished and unfortunate circumstances with a panicky single mother who wanted to dictate Duncan’s life every step of the way She even went so far as to have him institutionalized when he defied her. It would have been easy for him to either stay in the struggle or, at the very least, become a bitter and negative person. Instead, he chose to go to film school as quickly as possible and move to LA to make movies. Breaking into the “business” in LA is not easy when you have no connections so Duncan established himself- rentted an apartment and worked  a day job while he sought his break. Then Duncan had a great idea, to create a “success circle,” and invited some friends to his home to talk about what each person wanted in life and dreamed of doing. They discussed what would bring them happiness and right livelihood, shared hopes and aspirations. By the end of the first circle, they has all come up with goals and created outlines and ways to attain these dreams. They made it up as they went along but the success circle was a great success, each member going on to great things.

 As for Duncan, he has made two films, found true love, and great happiness.

What kind of happiness are you seeking? Maybe you don’t know yet – or thought you did but now you are not so sure. Maybe you are on the right track but just need a gentle nudge in a new direction. In our own lives, happiness can feel transitory and elusive. We can get overwhelmed by business and commit the cardinal “happiness eradicator” of comparing ourselves to others. Thinking about what you lack is the shortest path to misery that I know of. Instead do a “reframe” and think about what you HAVE, gifts, talents, positive people in your life, a great garden, all the great good things in your life.

Better already, right?

I was never prom queen but this I'll take!

My few years here at Cleis have flown by, always a sign you are having fun. I vividly remember getting my job the day before the stock market crashed in fall of 2008 and the recession began. I was worried my time at Cleis would be all-too brief. But, founders Felice Newman and Frederiqué Delacoste were unfazed having bootstrapped their way through two bankrupt distributors and countless banned books. Instead, we "doubled down" October 2008 and launched VIVA, expanded Cleis and I was encouraged for the first time to boldly pursue my publishing passion. For me, it is not enough to just chase dollars and treat books like "product." That, in fact, offends me. Inspired by a graduate course taught by KQED's Michael Krasny, I wrote "Women of the Beat Generation" to give voice to writers who had been kept in the shadows, ignored and overlooked. This same purpose drives me at Cleis Press & Viva Editions, as evidenced by the #OutWriters project. I go to a lot of our author events and it isn't to fill a seat or out of obligation. It is for me. Because I am moved when gay teens come to author events and tell our authors Jon Ginoli and Bob Mould that their music and writing saved their lives. Because Rachel Pepper's Transitions of the Heart reminds us to accept and love all our children. And that cancer survivor Mark Nepo's words on the page have helped thousands of others survive and thrive. I am gobsmacked, honored and humbled to be named Indie Fab Publisher of the Year. But mostly, I am encouraged to keep at it. Because there are many more voices we need to hear.

Random acts. very

You know how sometimes certain memories remain crystal clear as though they are trapped in the amber of your consciousness? While I don't know nearly enough about how the brain works, I suspect that means these shards of memory that stay with us are some of the most important events of our lives to be pondered and reconsidered for all that they contain. They might be "teachable moments" for us to draw upon. While the neuroscience aspects of aspic elude me, I do know this memory is a life lesson:

My besties and I like to have a cup of tea now and again and occasionally the fancy kind with teacakes,   cupcakes, cookies that are almost too beautiful to eat. During my decade in The Lower Haight, my dear friends got together once a month, taking turns at each other's houses. I was excited to be hosting one lovely late spring day and planned everything to the tee- lemon bars with lime icing, mini-cupcakes with icing that looked like lace and my favorite black and white cookies, chocolate on one side and vanilla on the other. I even had brightly colored paper napkins with sassy wild women quotes on them.

I was working in Berkeley and living in San Francisco which meant that just getting across the Bay Bridge was going to be a an adventure. On this day, it was going to be a miracle. I was terrified my friends would be standing at the front door, stamping their nicely shod feet, waiting for me as I navigated the traffic. I surrendered to it, knowing my anxiety would not change a thing. Plus, I had my secret weapon- the nicest array of confections ever. How could they be mad at me when there were being served stunningly beautiful sugar cookies on napkins that reminded them they are fabulous?

Finally, my lane of traffic oozed off the Fremont exit into Downtown San Francisco. I was going to bust one of my special moves and drive down a one way arterial and avoid the clogged streets. To do that, I had to drive past the TransBay Terminal, one of the most desolate and derelict spots in all of the greater Bay Area. I was chugging along and feeling good about my bag of goodies and was stopped again by a Muni bus that appeared to be lumbering along at maybe 3 miles per hour. But I still had my special treats and my confidence remained intact.

I looked to my left and a mother and her toddler were standing on the raised median not two feet away from my car. She looked to be not much older than a teenager herself and had a big bruise on her cheek and a frightened look. Her little boy was hugging her knee, trying to stay warm in the arctic wind that blasts downtown SF as soon as the sun sets. I smiled at them and she smiled back and I saw she was missing at least one tooth. In this moment, I just knew she has run away from an abusive home and was getting herself and her son to safety. I also knew in that moment that they needed money and I scrabbled around in my messy purse but could only find a five dollar bill as I had spent all my cash on the sweets. I grabbed the pretty paper bag filled with boxes of delicacies and shoved it into her hands along with the wadded up bill.  The look on her face was what will stay with me a lifetime, she was surprised and the stress drained out of her face and I could see how pretty she was. The bus shot foreword and I had to drive away but I managed to shout back at her "These are the best cookies in the world so everything is going to be ok!" I looked in the rearview mirror and saw her bend down and open a box and lovingly feed her little boy one of my treasured black and whites. They were laughing and her son was even kind of dancing around. My heart lifted as I drove away.  I was especially pleased that this young women was going to be reminded about her fabulousness by sassy paper napkins.

My girlfriends and I ate microwaved popcorn that night by nobody minded. We also ended up having a much deeper and richer discussion about real things, no shop or shopping talk, no boyfriend problems. We talked about how lucky we were and ways we could give back to the world.

It is funny how I  knew those cookies were going to save the night. I guess I just didn't know whose.

The power of the human heart

When I was working on the Random Acts of Kindness campaign, it was an incredibly joy-filled work experience. I usually do love what I do but this took it to a whole new level. My work was not just about helping my company or paying my rent for the month, it suddenly really meaning something. We were making the world a better place, one act of kindness at a time. There was literally an electricity in the air and we arrived at work each day to see what miracles had happened overnight while we were sleeping.

I remember the first day we knew everything had really changed - we found out through the US mail. Usually we only had a dozen or so pieces of mail, bills mostly and a few queries, letters from readers or an order or two. One day, the mailman knocked and said, "I need help here." He had BAGS of letters from people all over the country and a TON of ones with suggestions of acts of kindness. There were laughter and tears as we sat down on the floor and tore open the envelopes reading aloud from the letters. Some were in children's big blocky letters (these usually had the best ideas of kindness) and others in elder's careful script. I treasure that memory as I saw the power of the human heart that day.

The most optimistic man in America:

David Mezzapelle will share inspiring from his new book Contagious Optimism with a broad tour of California.

• 

David Mezzapelle, author of Contagious Optimism

Reading Contagious Optimism will allow you to appreciate and understand the principles that people of all races, religions, and socioeconomic backgrounds live by and have exhibited during their life's adventures.

—Daniel P. Tully

(PRWEB) September 11, 2013

David Mezzapelle will tour the Bay Area and Los Angeles from September 19th to 25th, sharing inspirational stories from his newly-released bookContagious Optimism: Uplifting Stories and Motivational Advice for Positive Forward Thinking, which is newly available on Audible.

Contagious Optimism is a collection of personal success stories and advice that discusses the power of positive thinking. Mezzapelle urges readers to find the silver lining in every cloud despite trials such as personal hardship, economic downturns, and political uncertainties. Developed by the same team that wrote the bestselling Random Acts of Kindness, Contagious Optimism is written to lift hearts, open minds, and create a movement of pass-it-on hope and happiness.

Jupiter Life featured an article on David and Contagious Optimism, exploring the inspiration behind the book and giving tidbits from the inspirational stories of contributors like Mona Tippins.

Join David on his tour at these events in Northern and Southern California:

9/19 7pm, Books Inc., Alameda, CA
9/21 1-3pm, Agape Quiet Mind Bookstore, Culver City, CA
9/25 7am, The Inside Edge, Irvine, CA
9/25 4-5:30pm, Mystic Journey Bookstore, Venice, CA
9/25 7pm, Barnes and Noble 3rd St. Promenade, Santa Monica, CA

What people are saying about Contagious Optimism:

"Contagious Optimism is an inspiring invitation to change your life through a change of perspective. Mezzapelle's collection of stories and various viewpoints spurs our imagination of what's possible to create a happy and successful life. A highly persuasive book I full-heartedly recommend."
—Andrea F. Polard, PsyD

"Learn how you can experience true happiness and fulfillment despite life's greatest challenges as you read the stories of those who have chosen to see that glass half -full."
—Chloe JonPaul, author of This Business of Children

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